Peaceful

I'm at a peaceful time in my grief journey at the moment.  Peace when I see Willow growing and doing things her brother's didn't get to do here on Earth; peace when I see a glimpse of Flynn on Willow's sleeping face; peace that she is here; peace that they are not. 

Willow is nearly 13 months old.  We are over-the-moon in love with her, she is amazing!

No one should have to bury a child

When we head to the beach we have to drive right past the cemetery where Flynn and Bailey are buried.  Each time I crane my neck to see if I can see Flynn's grave (it's the easiest one of the boys' to see from the road) and I usually manage to glimpse his stone and the decorations around it.  It never fails to bring tears to my eyes and as we drove past yesterday I thought to myself that it's been 3 years and I'm still doing it, but it doesn't matter whether it's been 3 or 30 years, I will always look towards the boys' final resting place.  I know they are not 'there' but it is the last memory I have of being near them and that makes it a poignant place forever for me.  Sometimes, usually in the dark of the night, my mind drifts to their little perfect bodies lying underground and it is almost too much to bear.  Just typing the words makes my eyes prick with tears and my nose start stinging. 

No one should have to bury a child.

Finding myself again

About 5 years ago I lost myself and since the day I lost my beautiful Bailey way back in 2006 I haven't been the same.  It breaks my heart to think that my husband, family and friends have been living with someone who isn't whole.  Over the past five years we have been through some terribly traumatic 'stuff' and I haven't given myself enough time and opportunity to really heal all the hurts.  We have lost two sons within a year of each other only 3-4 years ago, we lost our first baby back in 2003 when I miscarried at 12 weeks, we have gone through IVF and had two unsuccessful embryo transfers in 2009 and then the miracle of little Willow in 2010... big, big 'stuff'.  I need to give myself more credit for surviving through it all, and for making our marriage stronger because of it.  But I also need to nurture myself more, give myself the time to FEEL the pain, give others the chance to help me, give my husband what HE needs while also putting myself and my needs out there too, give myself the time to figure out WHO I want to be, WHO I used to be and where to go from here.  A friend has written in her blog that 2011 is the year that she is dedicating to herself and I think I'm going to 'steal' the idea for myself too. 

This will be a year of rediscovery for me, a year where I take care of myself and become ME again.

Christmas blessings

Our first Christmas with our little girl is nearly here and I am so happy that she is here with us!  She is exactly 6 months old and she is the most amazing little girl!!  We love her so dearly and soak in every beautiful smile she gives us.  This will be such a special Christmas this year but it will, as always, be tinged with the sadness of not having our baby boys with us. 

We have been given three incredible blessings - Flynn, Bailey and Willow - and this is what I will be thankful for this Christmas.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

It's back to work I go!  Willow is in Daycare for 3-4 days a week (with my mum picking her up early a couple of days) and comes to school with me 1-2 days a week.  It's been hard figuring out how to juggle everything but so far so good three days in.  Willow seems to enjoy being at Daycare which makes it much easier for me to leave her and head off to work.  My mother-in-law comes around most mornings, because I start work pretty early, and takes Willow down when she is ready.  It is so much nicer to be able to leave her to sleep in her own bed in the mornings if she wants to :o)

Heavy

My heart is weighed down with thoughts of my boys.  My eyes well up just typing it.  Sometimes the weight of the thoughts are so heavy it is hard to breathe.  I miss my sons.  I want to see them playing with their little sister and delighting in her as much as we are.  It's hard to believe that two out of our three children are in Heaven, and yet we are so grateful that we have been gifted with Willow, our precious third child.  She doesn't replace the boys but she is great healing medicine and we love her fiercely.  I wish the backseat of our car was full with three carseats, that there are no empty bedrooms in our house, that school bags and homework were spread over our kitchen table, that bathtime was chaos, that I had older brothers to tell off for pestering their little sister.  Instead I squeeze my tears away as I hold my baby girl close and whisper love in her ear.  Instead I catch my breath when I see my sleeping daughter and see her oldest brother in the peace written on her face.  Instead I swallow the hurt and pain of a grief that is to large to comprehend but that I must learn to live with.

A vision

The other night I was praying and I was thinking of little Flynn up in Heaven wondering what he was doing.  I was thinking of him as he was here on Earth - a little boy with a mop of blonde hair, unable to walk and talk.  Into my mind came the image I will never forget - a handsome young man with a mop of blonde hair, slightly facing away from me and then he turned towards me.  He took my breath away, my little Flynn - a strong, beautiful man, healthy and strong.  How precious that sight was and it warms my heart each time I think of it.